Now it's no surprise if you know me at all that Valentine's Day and I don't get along very well. This may come as a shock to some since I can be one of THE most hopeless romantics of all time. Like literally--Little ol' optimistic realistic me--hopeless! I have had (what my sister calls) a love affair with Sleeping Beauty since I was 2 years old. I make up music videos and cast them in my head. I could also wax on eloquently about how Valentine's Day is just the worst because it's just a corporate holiday designed to make card makers a chocolate factories billions of dollars. That's not the point though. I honestly LOVE receiving little gifts, even if it's just a post-it note saying hello. It's not the gift giving that is the problem.
Now, just for the record, I am not the "I hate this day cause I don't have a valentine!" girl. I am single by choice until God unveils the eyes of a godly man and speaks to both our hearts. No rush! I'm content to wait for God's timing--He knows best!
No, the true reason I don't like Valentine's Day is that it's supposed to represent true love but it doesn't. I was thinking about what true love means to me. We get so hung up on romantic love on V-Day that we don't consider the other types of love. Until the last two years, I didn't know in the slightest what true love was. I felt guilt, shame, and condemnation for the longest time about what I am about to share.
When I got pregnant with my now four year old son who is just absolutely amazing, I was terrified. I lived in fear. You see, I had just had a surgery, so the do for said my body wouldn't be strong enough to carry the baby past the halfway point. For this purpose, I did what no expectant mother should ever do. I prevented myself from bonding with my baby. I didn't even feel movement until about 10 weeks later than what to expect in the average pregnancy.
After I had my son, I was IN love, but I didn't love him. I did not experience that instant bond that mothers claim to receive upon seeing and holding their baby for the first time. I felt like a failure. On top of that, post partum and circumstantial depression clouded me like a heavy blanket of fog that just won't dissipate, no matter how hard you try to wave it away. I rarely let other people hold him, because I wanted to so I could "jump start" these emotions. Finally, when he was about 3 months old, it clicked with me...he was actually MINE. My eyes were opened , and with tears' pouring down my cheek, I connected.
That was where my true love began. It needed a lot of work though. Now I am a fairly intelligent girl. So this next part, I knew better. I threw myself in as well as I could into catching up and being a good mom, trying to juggle the baby, feeding, lawyers, court proceedings, etc. it was a very dark time for me, but my baby bear became my light. Depression still loomed very very heavily, and I succumbed to it many times.
These times would always be at night. The Enemy would sneak into my thoughts and lie to me. In these times, my heart would be hardened. I would start thinking about my circumstances and how much this is NOT how I pictures my life. In these moments of weakness, I resented him. I even cried out once and told God that He was terrible for bringing my son into such a mess. I never would admit it, but I often thought about how much easier life would be if he were not born. I would lie in bed, thinking about all this, and would wake up overpowered with guilt, shame, and condemnation.
Finally, the cycle broke. I got deliverance! Now I can honestly say that I love my son so much it hurts. I never knew that love could be truly unconditional. Sure, he drives me batty sometimes, but I cannot imagine life without him. Then bible says "Perfect love drives out fear." I don't need to exercise perfect love. Jesus exercises it for me. I cannot accomplish perfect love, but I can practice true love.
And for when I do have a valentine again? Awesome! Because Valentines Day will be just like any other day. God is love! He loves it more than we do! When God is the one who writes your love story, real love should be EVERY day. But until then, I will keep loving my son, my family, and my friends with real love, however that looks for each individual person.
Ok I'm done! #longwinded
