I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream…

I’m so blessed. I honestly love my life. God has truly been doing a work in my life lately. So many things have opened up for me and my family that I am truly humbled by all He has done for us.

Just one of the most random things that He has taught me though has to do with identity. It is something that I believe so many of us struggle with more than we care to admit.
 

What are we rooting our identities in? Too often, we get so caught up in what we are doing for church, work, friends, and other family that we stuff down the things that make us unique. Our lives are so wrapped up in what we are doing for church, what ministry we can be a part of, how to GROW that ministry, what to cook for dinner, how to deal with kids, why things happen the way they do, how to move up at work—the list goes on and on. NONE of these things are bad things. God calls us to lay down our lives for those around us, and there is amazing reward for having a good heart and doing all these things.

However, that’s not all that there is to you…to me. God created each one of us to be individually unique. He put certain personality quirks in us for a reason. He didn’t put us on this earth with all the creativity, personality, and experiences to stuff them down and ignore them. Too often, we think that only what we DO is what matters to God…that our performance is the only thing that He notices. That’s so not true. Yes, he does notice our works and totally loves when we tap into his heart and truly love and serve others for the sake of the world. However, He loves even more when we can use our gifts, talents, and personalities to reach out to others even further and give them more of a touch of love and heaven on earth. As a mom, one of the things that brings me so much joy is seeing my little man just be his goofy, analytical, controlling self, because that’s how I know God made him…quirks and all. God is our Abba Father, and he loves when we thrive in who HE created us to be.

So yes, I am a ministry leader at my church. I am a part of the apprentice team at my church as well. I have been promoted at my job twice in one year. I am a single mother and a “good” daughter. But I am also more than that.

I am still the girl who will embarrass herself to make someone else laugh if they’re having a bad day.

I am the girl who cries in Disney/Pixar movies…every time.

I am the girl who sees herself in every heartache of everyone around her…because sometimes a brief connection with someone can change their lives.

As a former control freak, I am the girl who overanalyzes and overthinks things. That’s when I have to take a step back and purpose to walk in faith.

I have been, still am, and will always be a romantic at heart…hidden behind a façade of practicality.

I am the girl who will drop what I have going on to sit and talk with someone who needs a friend, even if we don’t know each other.

I will always see the world through rose-colored glasses. I just choose to see positivity in all circumstances. There is good in everything, even in the darkest of circumstances.

But most of all, I am the girl who can rest easily in the fact that I am a child of the one true King. He has equipped me and made me to fulfill my destiny, one day at a time. He has put desires in my heart and people in my path to fulfill parts of that destiny. No one in my life is an accident. So when those times come when my quirks become my insecurities, on days where I feel I have to figure everything out because another day has gone by without understanding what exactly God wants me to do…I can stop, listen, and hear Him say, “Be who I created you to be…you are a masterpiece…fearfully and wonderfully made.”

And in those moments, I know that faith is better than fear. I don’t have to be insecure in who I am. When others have rejected me, He has been there to promise He never would. I am His, and He is mine. He made me how He made me—on purpose…and that’s alright with me. :)

Enough

Here I am...three days away from standing before a judge...a judge who doesn't know me, doesn't know my past, my situation, or my reasons for being here. But this judge will decide the next steps in the life of my child. 

I must admit, I am having a hard time tonight. It is finally hitting me that this week, everything changes. I am also realizing that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how great my sacrifices, how "cool" of a mom I am, I will never be enough for my baby. For almost four years now, I have fed him, clothed and bathed him, loved and disciplined him--alone. But I can never be enough for him. I was not created to complete him, just as he was not created to complete me...but here we are. 

I am learning...just as I tell others that Jesus is enough for them, He is enough for me. He is enough for my little man. He is the mender of our "broken" family. With HIM, we are more put together than we would be otherwise. And until the day comes when we can welcome a good, godly DISCIPLE of a man into our lives, Jesus has got us in the palm of His hands. He will never leave us or forsake us, like some others have. He will not let us fall just for the sake of falling. He will carry us with His mighty right hand! He will conquer our enemies and defeat those who stand against us. He is a husband to the neglected and a Father to those who have been abandoned.

He has brought us this far. He will not let us down. I may not be able to FEEL it, but I can KNOW it. 

So though this family law judge may not know me, my RIGHTEOUS judge knows me...down to the number of hairs on my head--and He loves me and my bear more than words could even express. 

tara 2.0

I don’t like change…like I really don’t. Even with the changes I actually want, I have a hard time dealing with it, because come on…it’s change! Yet, as much as I don’t like change, I have changed a lot from that happy go lucky girl who looked at the world through rose-colored glasses. I mean, I am still part of that girl, and my glasses are still rosy—just cracked. I hate that. But that all changed…and this time it’s something I want to embrace…

My beautiful friend Samantha married her best friend in the whole world this past Saturday. It was seriously a beautiful wedding. I had the fantastic opportunity of walking through this entire process with her. I was there, along with the one who would be the best man (as well as another couple who also would be in the wedding party) when she got engaged. We got to dig a heart in the sand on a rainy day at the beach, videotape it, and rejoice with them after she said yes. I got to help her plan the wedding and had the privilege of being her maid of honor. But then the weekend of the wedding came. I had no idea how much my world would be rocked!

For two days, I became a stranger…someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. I became myself again. My mom came with me and kept Isaiah at a hotel, have him show up to be ring bearer, then let me enjoy myself. I honestly and truly haven’t enjoyed myself in a VERY  long time as much as I did this past weekend. For the first time in over three years, I didn’t have to be mommy. I wasn’t invincible. I didn’t have to be the responsible one. For once, I didn’t have to be the strong one. I didn’t have to hold it all together for everyone else’s sakes. I wasn’t the warrior that I’ve had to be the past couple years. I didn’t have to hold back and be “chill.” I could be ME…and I realized how much I missed me. I seriously had one of the best nights of my life the day of the wedding.

But now, back at home, I don’t want to give that up. So it got me to thinking…all these things…the way I felt…those are all good things! But I can be exciting and fun and awesome and still be mommy and responsible and strong! I an going to be MORE awesome than I was back then! I did not go through the last couple years of hardship to have it defeat me.  I can look back fondly on my days of no responsibility with fondness, but everything I have gone through should BUILD on that. God has given me things that I don’t understand. I shouldn’t allow anything to take away from that. I am honestly so much better and stronger than I was before. It just took a wedding, a hysterical, stressed out bride, some new (and old) friends, and an awesome weekend to remind me that God made me the way He made me…not just as a memory, but as a masterpiece.

the one thing that holds you back…

…FEAR…

It defines everything you do. Whether you fear the dark or spiders or needles or whatever—it defines your actions. COMPLETELY ridiculous, but for example, I am TERRIFIED of sharks. whenever I go to the beach, I won’t go on the pier. If I have to, I have to force myself to not look down. I have this RIDICULOUS fear that the planks I’m walking on are going to break and I will fall through right into the open jaws of a waiting shark. My fears prevent me from going on that pier…and when I DO go, I can’t enjoy it, cause I’m freaking out! (At least I’m not afraid of snakes though…weird, huh? *teehee*)

My fears hold me back.

To me, there is a difference between obvious fears and subtle fears. My obvious fears are just that—obvious. I listed them above: sharks, spiders, etc. They hold me back from dark places that I don’t know in case there are spiders. They keep me out of the ocean because sharks live there. This is pretty obvious. However, emotionally, it’s harder to identify because it’s there for self-preservation—to not get hurt again by people I allow into my life. I am not going to lie. I am a “strong person” because I’m scared to open up again. These fears makes life easier, because by not opening myself up to something that has the potential to cause disappointment, I can “protect” my heart. But what is that called—a lack of faith.

Now faith is most often taken to mean something regarding religion, Jesus, faith in God, etc. However, faith applies to everything in life. I know—what a concept, right? How is this just now making sense to me?

How am I supposed to live my life to the full—the way God fully intended and WANTS it to be—if I fear what it would mean to open up again? God puts people and things in our lives so that we don’t HAVE to be alone and so that we can enjoy life. 

There is a song that I love, but I’ve only truly come to appreciate it after my “epiphany.” The lyrics go: “So you’re scared. It’s ok. All the best things start out that way. Look at me—I’m living proof. All the lies on earth can’t hide the truth…I have faith in leaping, throwing out what ain’t worth keeping. Sometimes it’s hard to want what I’m needing, but I have faith in leaping.” WOW…I’m not the only one who has fears that hold them back. (Again, what a concept!)

Now, I can’t make promises that I won’t be scared to open up again, but I can promise to try. I don’t want to be held down and held back by my fears. So what is it going to be: faith or fear? I know what I WANT my answer to be.

So here’s to faith—faith in leaping!

she went in the strength she had…

I’m honestly not one for new year’s resolutions…honestly. I am of the opinion that it’s never too late—or too early—to resolve to change things that need to be changed. However, the end of this year signals the end of an era for me. After battling for two years, in and out of courts, arguments over child support and what is best for my son, it is over. On September 19, my divorce became finalized. That day and the weeks that followed were some of the hardest I’ve had since taking the first step and making the decision that I’d rather be a single mom than stay married to someone who broke my heart as well as our marriage vows—repeatedly. I would rather be alone than have my health be at risk because of my husband’s promiscuity. I would rather have no one than be with someone who was emotionally abusive. However, those dark days revealed something in my heart…I am not the one to credit for how much I have grown these past few years—and I had forgotten that until recently.
You see, one of the things that has blown my mind since the whole process started was something that people told me. People would say (and still do say) to me, “Tara, you’re so strong…I couldn’t do what you’re doing. I’m not strong enough.” And I would say to them, “Well, I just faked it til I made it. I HAD to be strong, even when I felt my weakest.” Then I would say, “Well, if I didn’t have God, my family, and my church, I think it would be SO much worse and I wouldn’t have come this far.” But in my quiet moments, I would wonder…if I’m “so strong,” why don’t I feel strong.
In those quiet moments, God would speak. I would hear, “In your weakness, you are strong…because my strength is made perfect in your weakness.” It was not until after our women’s even at church—Soup for the Soul—that there was a phrase that put a face on this concept. And it changed my entire outlook. She went in the strength she had. I did the best I could to not just cry in the middle of the crowded room, but when I got home, I let the dam release. That is what it is all about…going in the strength that I have. And I don’t have a lot of strength in and of myself…but God doesn’t ask me to be strong. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but he doesn’t expect me—or WANT me—to do everything for myself. All he wants is for me to go in the strength I have…and ask Him to take me the rest of the way. It’s not a tag-team…it’s a partnership.
So this next year, regardless of what happens—not just because it’s a new year—I will remember. I am not strong. He is. When people see my strength combined with God’s, instead of being confused about it, I can use my testimony—cause Lord knows I’ve been through some TESTS—to help other people who are going through similar issues.
She went in the strength she had…

totally drenched…

This weekend I experienced God in a whole other way. I attended my church’s Power Wash weekend with my mom’s neighbor. I thought I was going for moral support, cause yeah…she NEEDED it…and praise the Lord, she was delivered from so many things. But I really thought that, “Hey! I’ve been walking this “single mom” thing out for a while, and I’ve already experienced healing and so this is just a “touch up” thing for me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I truly feel in my heart that God put me there for a PURPOSE. Yes, the first time I experienced Power Wash, I was a MESS…I received a LOT of freedom that weekend. However, the past year and a half, I’ve had to walk those things out. This process BROUGHT me to the place of huge breakthrough. I am so grateful to the people who have spoken into my life this last year or two or whatever, because they were able to help me work through things so that this weekend experience could be on the focus of the core problem that I have been having--

Worthlessness.

We learned in depth about curses—and not necessarily just the kind that we associate with witches and cauldrons and bubbling brews and broomsticks—but about the curses that are spoken over our lives.

As I have walked through this journey of acceptance of my single mom status, I have allowed my ex the privilege of speaking curses into my life…and he has been all too happy to oblige. It’s not like I invited him to do those things, but I didn’t ward them off either. I cannot control what HE says to ME, but I CAN control whether or not to receive them. Like a dummy, I started out fighting them off, then gave in. I quit negating them. In my head, I would say, “Oh yeah, he’s dreaming…I’m the best thing that could have ever happened to him and he threw it away! I’m not the one who is lame! I am awesome!” However, in my heart of hearts, those words and those curses hit me like arrows and stuck. I can not say how many tears I have cried because I have felt worthless.

I have been married, divorced, and have a child. That right there can be 2 1/2 strikes against me for the type of man that I want to be with. I found myself putting myself in “that guy’s” shoes, thinking if I were him, I would not want me either. In some sick, twisted, demented way, I lost all of my GOOD qualities and focused on the lies of the devil. I have trusted the Lord with almost EVERY area of my life to this point, EXCEPT my torment. I don’t WANT to have to spend the rest of my life alone because my ex-husband did what he did to me. But today, I was able to receive that when Jesus died on the cross for ME, he KNEW how this was all going to play out, and He STILL let me go through it. He died for my worthlessness, my sin, my failures…my trust issues, my past, my future…He did it ALL…and if I can trust him for all these OTHER areas of my life, then WHY wasn’t I trusting him with the torments? Why did I not realize that this worthlessness I was feeling was what he DIED for? I am worthless on my own, but God thinks I’m prized above jewels and riches and gold. He calls me his daughter, and he is my daddy. I am NOT worthless in HIS eyes…and if someone views me as worthless, then they are not seeing me the way God made me.

I have such vision in my heart for the future. I am so thankful AHEAD of time for the blessings that God is going to bestow on me and my family. But all those blessings would not be if I did not make a choice…I now CHOOSE to view myself as GOD sees me. Before I was even BORN, He knew me. Before he made the world, He LOVED me! So who am I to say that I am worthless?! If He has called me to change the world, then that is what I am going to do, because HE has called me to it, and HE has equipped me for His will.

It is going to be a journey…a struggle, even. But I just have to remind myself that God loves me too much to let me live in the default and the rut that I was in.

I feel that I have reached a breakthrough, and that God has so HUGE plans for me and my son. He is such a blessing, and I KNOW that he has a purpose and a destiny here on this earth for the Kingdom of God. I am so excited to now walk out my destiny. It is going to be a wild ride, but I will never be alone.

deserving…

The past year has been crazy. So much has gone on, and God has been stretching me like CRAZY because of it.

However, one of the craziest notions I have heard (from more than one person, so I’m not singling out any one person) is from those who have said, “Tara, you’re such a good person. I am decent, but nothing like you…I don’t deserve any more than what I have. I’m okay with just being okay, cause that’s all I can get.”

But the craziest part about all of it is that it’s not so crazy…to think that, that is. Whoever you are, no matter what path in life you take, there is always that someone who is your unattainable but so desirable person you wish you could be like. But no matter who you are or who you feel you cannot ever compare to, that feeling is WRONG…so why do we all feel that way?

Some people are full fledged this way, while others just feel this way about small things in life…but we all do it. I believe what it boils down to is shame…and condemnation.

No one knows all of your sins and bad decisions and thought processes, and shortcomings and hang-ups and strongholds better than yourself. When you get the Enemy reminding you on an almost hourly basis of the things you don’t feel you deserve, it’s easy to be discouraged and feel that you just need to find something in order to “get by.”

I have been listening to Lisa Bevere on PodCast a lot, and something she spoke struck a cord with me tonight. It’s not about the past. It’s not about what you HAVE done or HAVEN’T done. It’s about your birthright…we are children of the most high GOD! God has been speaking to me about true honor and respect as well too. Regardless of how you feel about the president or congress members, or cops or mayors…we are commanded to show honor to them, simply because of their office. It doesn’t matter what they do, they have that position, so we have no alternative but to honor. The only other option is dishonor, and the Lord speaks against dishonoring even your enemies. As God’s children, we should accept nothing less than HONOR for whom we choose to have in our lives for spouses, best friends, boyfriends, etc.

It really is hard to put into words exactly what I’m thinking so I guess I will just sum it up like this…If you feel like you are undeserving of God’s best and fullness, and His destiny for your life because of what you have done in the past, or what you continue to do even now, remember…His mercies are new every morning. And we are not deserving, which is what makes mercy and grace so wonderful.

And, for the record, I did not CHOOSE for my husband to treat me the way he did and for our marriage to end because of it, but i DID choose, and CONTINUE to choose to use it for my betterment…for my destiny. God makes beauty of ashes, and my ashes are slowly and surely being brought back to life, and taking shape and becoming more and more beautiful every day. :)