So lately, I've been pretty crazy…it's just been a really weird past couple weeks…As many of you know, on December 1, I had my surgery on my cervix. Unfortunately, it did not go as well as planned, and even though everything is fine now, I was in a lot of pain. It was around this time I was feeling like not depressed, but just very EMOTIONAL. Before the surgery I attributed it to nerves…nerves about the surgery…I wanted it so badly, because I wanted to be done with these complications, but I was terrified…terrified of all the risks involved. The complications could come back. I could get an incompetent cervix. I could have a pre-term baby, whenever I get pregnant. The stakes are higher, even though not by much, to have all these things happen. But to me, the fact that my "complications" have a 90% chance of disappearing forever…that is great! That is why I proceeded with it. After the surgery, I cried a LOT. The procedure was so painful, when it was supposed to be painless. I was extremely sore for a long time. I couldn't go back to work for a whole week, when I was supposed to be able to go back the next day. I was extremely emotional, but I blamed it mostly on the hormonal imbalance that always occurs when any part of the reproductive system is tampered with. Haha. But now, it should not be that way. But I'm still really emotional…
I talked to my best friend Tiffani today…(girl, you ROCK and I LOVE you…) I explained to her how I have been feeling, and how I don't know WHY I have been feeling like this…Then we started talking about work…last week we had a situation in which I got very frustrated with my manager. I could not talk to him about it, since I was so upset. So I went to HIS manager, whom I have talked to in the past about just random things. I let him know what happened, and that I wasn't happy about it, but that I didn't want to dwell on it. I wanted my manager to know that I know his intentions were decent, but that didn't excuse the action. Now, my manager obviously knows that I "overstepped" him and went to a higher authority, and I don't think he's very happy about it. NEW TWIST…I applied for a higher position in the company, one for which I am qualified, but my manager is the one who gets to decide. So I was thinking of going to him and apologizing for not going to him. This is when Tiffani told me to examine myself…what are my motives? Do I just want to kiss his butt to get the job? Or do I actually feel remorse? I know I should have gone to him, but I'm human. I was upset, and I let my emotions control me. We got to talking more, and I realized that I have been the one trying to be in control of my life. I wanted to be in control of the manager situation, so I did something that God probably would not have wanted me to do. I want to be in control of getting the higher position, but I can't…God won't give it to me if I think I can do things on my own. And even if he doesn't give it to me, and I leave it in his hands, there is a specific reason to that…
I think what happened was that before I got married, I was used to having other people fight my battles for me. Now that I am here, in another place, away from my friends, I have been having to fight my own battles. Those battles have had favorable results! I think I just had a power trip and started thinking that I can do things on my own…God gave me a big spanking. I CAN'T do things on my own…if I'm getting pissed off with my job, and I'm not content with it, I need to get over it. God has put me in that place for a reason. His reason is to not be a lukewarm Christian. Someone told me that if I can't do my job as a Christian and be a shining light in that environment, get out and let someone else do it, cause I'm not doing my job. That was harsh, but I needed it. How many people, other than a couple of my friends, know that I am a Christian? How many know that I go to church? How many know what I really believe, who my REAL strength is, and how He can save them? It's a wakeup call…
So I started doing a Bible Study, called "Growing in Wisdom and Faith," a guide for the book of James by Elizabeth George. I've had the book for a long time…just haven't gotten around to it. Also, when I was fixing my bookcase and putting away all my books, I found a book (don't even know where I got it from) called "the King's Daughter: Becoming the Woman God Created You to Be." I read the first chapter, and by the end, I was in tears. We are not merely meant to skate through this life, just living it day by day, just mediocre. Even in trials and tribulations, we were created to have JOY! Joy in EVERY circumstance. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes with the morning. Diana Hagee (author) said that too many times, we are blinded to the true darkness of this world. We have become accustomed to it, because it is normal to us. But we're not meant to be "peasants." We as women are also not meant to be equal to men. We are meant to be UNIQUE…how can we be unique if we are the same as the men? But that's a whole other issue. (I am by no means like not for rights for women, by the way…disclaimer haha). But the most impacting part of the chapter was at the end. This is where the tears really started. So many times, Satan will bombard us with doubt and fear and he just plain NAGS us…now I'm just going to type an excerpt of the book.
"As we were being cleared by Israeli security, [Satan] began to attack my mind: Who are you to meet with this head of state? You are a hindrance to this meeting. You should not even be in the room. … I began to walk toward my husband to ask to be excused from the meeting. All of a sudden I could hear a voice in my mind that was louder than that of my Accuser: Why are you leaving something I have ordained? [I answered] because I am not worthy to meet with such an important person. I am about to meet with the leader of Israel! Immediately, that same strong voice made a statement that would change my life forever: And he is about to meet the King's daughter."
That passage of that book was amazing. I cannot even begin to explain the emotions that ran through me. It's just how I feel sometimes. Yes, I have my husband, my wonderful husband who loves me so much that he would do anything for me. I know that he treats me like the princess that God views me as. But sometimes I feel, Is that really how God sees me too? I got a great reminder today that no matter WHO I talk to, no matter WHAT the situation, God's got my back. He will ordain my footsteps, He will go before me, and He will not let me down. No matter what I do, inside or outside his will, He'll guide me full circle to bring me back in, and that's happened again. I now see myself as God sees me. Who cares who you are? I'm the King's daughter. My heavenly father is the KING of kings. He's the LORD of lords…He could kick your king's behind. : ) How can I fear? How can I doubt? God has been SO good to me. I'm so glad for his conviction and his "spanking" and his love enough to take time to discipline me when I need it.
I'm the King's daughter…God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He will take care of me.
