I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream…

I’m so blessed. I honestly love my life. God has truly been doing a work in my life lately. So many things have opened up for me and my family that I am truly humbled by all He has done for us.

Just one of the most random things that He has taught me though has to do with identity. It is something that I believe so many of us struggle with more than we care to admit.
 

What are we rooting our identities in? Too often, we get so caught up in what we are doing for church, work, friends, and other family that we stuff down the things that make us unique. Our lives are so wrapped up in what we are doing for church, what ministry we can be a part of, how to GROW that ministry, what to cook for dinner, how to deal with kids, why things happen the way they do, how to move up at work—the list goes on and on. NONE of these things are bad things. God calls us to lay down our lives for those around us, and there is amazing reward for having a good heart and doing all these things.

However, that’s not all that there is to you…to me. God created each one of us to be individually unique. He put certain personality quirks in us for a reason. He didn’t put us on this earth with all the creativity, personality, and experiences to stuff them down and ignore them. Too often, we think that only what we DO is what matters to God…that our performance is the only thing that He notices. That’s so not true. Yes, he does notice our works and totally loves when we tap into his heart and truly love and serve others for the sake of the world. However, He loves even more when we can use our gifts, talents, and personalities to reach out to others even further and give them more of a touch of love and heaven on earth. As a mom, one of the things that brings me so much joy is seeing my little man just be his goofy, analytical, controlling self, because that’s how I know God made him…quirks and all. God is our Abba Father, and he loves when we thrive in who HE created us to be.

So yes, I am a ministry leader at my church. I am a part of the apprentice team at my church as well. I have been promoted at my job twice in one year. I am a single mother and a “good” daughter. But I am also more than that.

I am still the girl who will embarrass herself to make someone else laugh if they’re having a bad day.

I am the girl who cries in Disney/Pixar movies…every time.

I am the girl who sees herself in every heartache of everyone around her…because sometimes a brief connection with someone can change their lives.

As a former control freak, I am the girl who overanalyzes and overthinks things. That’s when I have to take a step back and purpose to walk in faith.

I have been, still am, and will always be a romantic at heart…hidden behind a façade of practicality.

I am the girl who will drop what I have going on to sit and talk with someone who needs a friend, even if we don’t know each other.

I will always see the world through rose-colored glasses. I just choose to see positivity in all circumstances. There is good in everything, even in the darkest of circumstances.

But most of all, I am the girl who can rest easily in the fact that I am a child of the one true King. He has equipped me and made me to fulfill my destiny, one day at a time. He has put desires in my heart and people in my path to fulfill parts of that destiny. No one in my life is an accident. So when those times come when my quirks become my insecurities, on days where I feel I have to figure everything out because another day has gone by without understanding what exactly God wants me to do…I can stop, listen, and hear Him say, “Be who I created you to be…you are a masterpiece…fearfully and wonderfully made.”

And in those moments, I know that faith is better than fear. I don’t have to be insecure in who I am. When others have rejected me, He has been there to promise He never would. I am His, and He is mine. He made me how He made me—on purpose…and that’s alright with me. :)

Enough

Here I am...three days away from standing before a judge...a judge who doesn't know me, doesn't know my past, my situation, or my reasons for being here. But this judge will decide the next steps in the life of my child. 

I must admit, I am having a hard time tonight. It is finally hitting me that this week, everything changes. I am also realizing that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how great my sacrifices, how "cool" of a mom I am, I will never be enough for my baby. For almost four years now, I have fed him, clothed and bathed him, loved and disciplined him--alone. But I can never be enough for him. I was not created to complete him, just as he was not created to complete me...but here we are. 

I am learning...just as I tell others that Jesus is enough for them, He is enough for me. He is enough for my little man. He is the mender of our "broken" family. With HIM, we are more put together than we would be otherwise. And until the day comes when we can welcome a good, godly DISCIPLE of a man into our lives, Jesus has got us in the palm of His hands. He will never leave us or forsake us, like some others have. He will not let us fall just for the sake of falling. He will carry us with His mighty right hand! He will conquer our enemies and defeat those who stand against us. He is a husband to the neglected and a Father to those who have been abandoned.

He has brought us this far. He will not let us down. I may not be able to FEEL it, but I can KNOW it. 

So though this family law judge may not know me, my RIGHTEOUS judge knows me...down to the number of hairs on my head--and He loves me and my bear more than words could even express.