This weekend I experienced God in a whole other way. I attended my church’s Power Wash weekend with my mom’s neighbor. I thought I was going for moral support, cause yeah…she NEEDED it…and praise the Lord, she was delivered from so many things. But I really thought that, “Hey! I’ve been walking this “single mom” thing out for a while, and I’ve already experienced healing and so this is just a “touch up” thing for me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I truly feel in my heart that God put me there for a PURPOSE. Yes, the first time I experienced Power Wash, I was a MESS…I received a LOT of freedom that weekend. However, the past year and a half, I’ve had to walk those things out. This process BROUGHT me to the place of huge breakthrough. I am so grateful to the people who have spoken into my life this last year or two or whatever, because they were able to help me work through things so that this weekend experience could be on the focus of the core problem that I have been having--
Worthlessness.
We learned in depth about curses—and not necessarily just the kind that we associate with witches and cauldrons and bubbling brews and broomsticks—but about the curses that are spoken over our lives.
As I have walked through this journey of acceptance of my single mom status, I have allowed my ex the privilege of speaking curses into my life…and he has been all too happy to oblige. It’s not like I invited him to do those things, but I didn’t ward them off either. I cannot control what HE says to ME, but I CAN control whether or not to receive them. Like a dummy, I started out fighting them off, then gave in. I quit negating them. In my head, I would say, “Oh yeah, he’s dreaming…I’m the best thing that could have ever happened to him and he threw it away! I’m not the one who is lame! I am awesome!” However, in my heart of hearts, those words and those curses hit me like arrows and stuck. I can not say how many tears I have cried because I have felt worthless.
I have been married, divorced, and have a child. That right there can be 2 1/2 strikes against me for the type of man that I want to be with. I found myself putting myself in “that guy’s” shoes, thinking if I were him, I would not want me either. In some sick, twisted, demented way, I lost all of my GOOD qualities and focused on the lies of the devil. I have trusted the Lord with almost EVERY area of my life to this point, EXCEPT my torment. I don’t WANT to have to spend the rest of my life alone because my ex-husband did what he did to me. But today, I was able to receive that when Jesus died on the cross for ME, he KNEW how this was all going to play out, and He STILL let me go through it. He died for my worthlessness, my sin, my failures…my trust issues, my past, my future…He did it ALL…and if I can trust him for all these OTHER areas of my life, then WHY wasn’t I trusting him with the torments? Why did I not realize that this worthlessness I was feeling was what he DIED for? I am worthless on my own, but God thinks I’m prized above jewels and riches and gold. He calls me his daughter, and he is my daddy. I am NOT worthless in HIS eyes…and if someone views me as worthless, then they are not seeing me the way God made me.
I have such vision in my heart for the future. I am so thankful AHEAD of time for the blessings that God is going to bestow on me and my family. But all those blessings would not be if I did not make a choice…I now CHOOSE to view myself as GOD sees me. Before I was even BORN, He knew me. Before he made the world, He LOVED me! So who am I to say that I am worthless?! If He has called me to change the world, then that is what I am going to do, because HE has called me to it, and HE has equipped me for His will.
It is going to be a journey…a struggle, even. But I just have to remind myself that God loves me too much to let me live in the default and the rut that I was in.
I feel that I have reached a breakthrough, and that God has so HUGE plans for me and my son. He is such a blessing, and I KNOW that he has a purpose and a destiny here on this earth for the Kingdom of God. I am so excited to now walk out my destiny. It is going to be a wild ride, but I will never be alone.
