tara 2.0

I don’t like change…like I really don’t. Even with the changes I actually want, I have a hard time dealing with it, because come on…it’s change! Yet, as much as I don’t like change, I have changed a lot from that happy go lucky girl who looked at the world through rose-colored glasses. I mean, I am still part of that girl, and my glasses are still rosy—just cracked. I hate that. But that all changed…and this time it’s something I want to embrace…

My beautiful friend Samantha married her best friend in the whole world this past Saturday. It was seriously a beautiful wedding. I had the fantastic opportunity of walking through this entire process with her. I was there, along with the one who would be the best man (as well as another couple who also would be in the wedding party) when she got engaged. We got to dig a heart in the sand on a rainy day at the beach, videotape it, and rejoice with them after she said yes. I got to help her plan the wedding and had the privilege of being her maid of honor. But then the weekend of the wedding came. I had no idea how much my world would be rocked!

For two days, I became a stranger…someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. I became myself again. My mom came with me and kept Isaiah at a hotel, have him show up to be ring bearer, then let me enjoy myself. I honestly and truly haven’t enjoyed myself in a VERY  long time as much as I did this past weekend. For the first time in over three years, I didn’t have to be mommy. I wasn’t invincible. I didn’t have to be the responsible one. For once, I didn’t have to be the strong one. I didn’t have to hold it all together for everyone else’s sakes. I wasn’t the warrior that I’ve had to be the past couple years. I didn’t have to hold back and be “chill.” I could be ME…and I realized how much I missed me. I seriously had one of the best nights of my life the day of the wedding.

But now, back at home, I don’t want to give that up. So it got me to thinking…all these things…the way I felt…those are all good things! But I can be exciting and fun and awesome and still be mommy and responsible and strong! I an going to be MORE awesome than I was back then! I did not go through the last couple years of hardship to have it defeat me.  I can look back fondly on my days of no responsibility with fondness, but everything I have gone through should BUILD on that. God has given me things that I don’t understand. I shouldn’t allow anything to take away from that. I am honestly so much better and stronger than I was before. It just took a wedding, a hysterical, stressed out bride, some new (and old) friends, and an awesome weekend to remind me that God made me the way He made me…not just as a memory, but as a masterpiece.

the one thing that holds you back…

…FEAR…

It defines everything you do. Whether you fear the dark or spiders or needles or whatever—it defines your actions. COMPLETELY ridiculous, but for example, I am TERRIFIED of sharks. whenever I go to the beach, I won’t go on the pier. If I have to, I have to force myself to not look down. I have this RIDICULOUS fear that the planks I’m walking on are going to break and I will fall through right into the open jaws of a waiting shark. My fears prevent me from going on that pier…and when I DO go, I can’t enjoy it, cause I’m freaking out! (At least I’m not afraid of snakes though…weird, huh? *teehee*)

My fears hold me back.

To me, there is a difference between obvious fears and subtle fears. My obvious fears are just that—obvious. I listed them above: sharks, spiders, etc. They hold me back from dark places that I don’t know in case there are spiders. They keep me out of the ocean because sharks live there. This is pretty obvious. However, emotionally, it’s harder to identify because it’s there for self-preservation—to not get hurt again by people I allow into my life. I am not going to lie. I am a “strong person” because I’m scared to open up again. These fears makes life easier, because by not opening myself up to something that has the potential to cause disappointment, I can “protect” my heart. But what is that called—a lack of faith.

Now faith is most often taken to mean something regarding religion, Jesus, faith in God, etc. However, faith applies to everything in life. I know—what a concept, right? How is this just now making sense to me?

How am I supposed to live my life to the full—the way God fully intended and WANTS it to be—if I fear what it would mean to open up again? God puts people and things in our lives so that we don’t HAVE to be alone and so that we can enjoy life. 

There is a song that I love, but I’ve only truly come to appreciate it after my “epiphany.” The lyrics go: “So you’re scared. It’s ok. All the best things start out that way. Look at me—I’m living proof. All the lies on earth can’t hide the truth…I have faith in leaping, throwing out what ain’t worth keeping. Sometimes it’s hard to want what I’m needing, but I have faith in leaping.” WOW…I’m not the only one who has fears that hold them back. (Again, what a concept!)

Now, I can’t make promises that I won’t be scared to open up again, but I can promise to try. I don’t want to be held down and held back by my fears. So what is it going to be: faith or fear? I know what I WANT my answer to be.

So here’s to faith—faith in leaping!