she went in the strength she had…

I’m honestly not one for new year’s resolutions…honestly. I am of the opinion that it’s never too late—or too early—to resolve to change things that need to be changed. However, the end of this year signals the end of an era for me. After battling for two years, in and out of courts, arguments over child support and what is best for my son, it is over. On September 19, my divorce became finalized. That day and the weeks that followed were some of the hardest I’ve had since taking the first step and making the decision that I’d rather be a single mom than stay married to someone who broke my heart as well as our marriage vows—repeatedly. I would rather be alone than have my health be at risk because of my husband’s promiscuity. I would rather have no one than be with someone who was emotionally abusive. However, those dark days revealed something in my heart…I am not the one to credit for how much I have grown these past few years—and I had forgotten that until recently.
You see, one of the things that has blown my mind since the whole process started was something that people told me. People would say (and still do say) to me, “Tara, you’re so strong…I couldn’t do what you’re doing. I’m not strong enough.” And I would say to them, “Well, I just faked it til I made it. I HAD to be strong, even when I felt my weakest.” Then I would say, “Well, if I didn’t have God, my family, and my church, I think it would be SO much worse and I wouldn’t have come this far.” But in my quiet moments, I would wonder…if I’m “so strong,” why don’t I feel strong.
In those quiet moments, God would speak. I would hear, “In your weakness, you are strong…because my strength is made perfect in your weakness.” It was not until after our women’s even at church—Soup for the Soul—that there was a phrase that put a face on this concept. And it changed my entire outlook. She went in the strength she had. I did the best I could to not just cry in the middle of the crowded room, but when I got home, I let the dam release. That is what it is all about…going in the strength that I have. And I don’t have a lot of strength in and of myself…but God doesn’t ask me to be strong. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but he doesn’t expect me—or WANT me—to do everything for myself. All he wants is for me to go in the strength I have…and ask Him to take me the rest of the way. It’s not a tag-team…it’s a partnership.
So this next year, regardless of what happens—not just because it’s a new year—I will remember. I am not strong. He is. When people see my strength combined with God’s, instead of being confused about it, I can use my testimony—cause Lord knows I’ve been through some TESTS—to help other people who are going through similar issues.
She went in the strength she had…

totally drenched…

This weekend I experienced God in a whole other way. I attended my church’s Power Wash weekend with my mom’s neighbor. I thought I was going for moral support, cause yeah…she NEEDED it…and praise the Lord, she was delivered from so many things. But I really thought that, “Hey! I’ve been walking this “single mom” thing out for a while, and I’ve already experienced healing and so this is just a “touch up” thing for me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I truly feel in my heart that God put me there for a PURPOSE. Yes, the first time I experienced Power Wash, I was a MESS…I received a LOT of freedom that weekend. However, the past year and a half, I’ve had to walk those things out. This process BROUGHT me to the place of huge breakthrough. I am so grateful to the people who have spoken into my life this last year or two or whatever, because they were able to help me work through things so that this weekend experience could be on the focus of the core problem that I have been having--

Worthlessness.

We learned in depth about curses—and not necessarily just the kind that we associate with witches and cauldrons and bubbling brews and broomsticks—but about the curses that are spoken over our lives.

As I have walked through this journey of acceptance of my single mom status, I have allowed my ex the privilege of speaking curses into my life…and he has been all too happy to oblige. It’s not like I invited him to do those things, but I didn’t ward them off either. I cannot control what HE says to ME, but I CAN control whether or not to receive them. Like a dummy, I started out fighting them off, then gave in. I quit negating them. In my head, I would say, “Oh yeah, he’s dreaming…I’m the best thing that could have ever happened to him and he threw it away! I’m not the one who is lame! I am awesome!” However, in my heart of hearts, those words and those curses hit me like arrows and stuck. I can not say how many tears I have cried because I have felt worthless.

I have been married, divorced, and have a child. That right there can be 2 1/2 strikes against me for the type of man that I want to be with. I found myself putting myself in “that guy’s” shoes, thinking if I were him, I would not want me either. In some sick, twisted, demented way, I lost all of my GOOD qualities and focused on the lies of the devil. I have trusted the Lord with almost EVERY area of my life to this point, EXCEPT my torment. I don’t WANT to have to spend the rest of my life alone because my ex-husband did what he did to me. But today, I was able to receive that when Jesus died on the cross for ME, he KNEW how this was all going to play out, and He STILL let me go through it. He died for my worthlessness, my sin, my failures…my trust issues, my past, my future…He did it ALL…and if I can trust him for all these OTHER areas of my life, then WHY wasn’t I trusting him with the torments? Why did I not realize that this worthlessness I was feeling was what he DIED for? I am worthless on my own, but God thinks I’m prized above jewels and riches and gold. He calls me his daughter, and he is my daddy. I am NOT worthless in HIS eyes…and if someone views me as worthless, then they are not seeing me the way God made me.

I have such vision in my heart for the future. I am so thankful AHEAD of time for the blessings that God is going to bestow on me and my family. But all those blessings would not be if I did not make a choice…I now CHOOSE to view myself as GOD sees me. Before I was even BORN, He knew me. Before he made the world, He LOVED me! So who am I to say that I am worthless?! If He has called me to change the world, then that is what I am going to do, because HE has called me to it, and HE has equipped me for His will.

It is going to be a journey…a struggle, even. But I just have to remind myself that God loves me too much to let me live in the default and the rut that I was in.

I feel that I have reached a breakthrough, and that God has so HUGE plans for me and my son. He is such a blessing, and I KNOW that he has a purpose and a destiny here on this earth for the Kingdom of God. I am so excited to now walk out my destiny. It is going to be a wild ride, but I will never be alone.

deserving…

The past year has been crazy. So much has gone on, and God has been stretching me like CRAZY because of it.

However, one of the craziest notions I have heard (from more than one person, so I’m not singling out any one person) is from those who have said, “Tara, you’re such a good person. I am decent, but nothing like you…I don’t deserve any more than what I have. I’m okay with just being okay, cause that’s all I can get.”

But the craziest part about all of it is that it’s not so crazy…to think that, that is. Whoever you are, no matter what path in life you take, there is always that someone who is your unattainable but so desirable person you wish you could be like. But no matter who you are or who you feel you cannot ever compare to, that feeling is WRONG…so why do we all feel that way?

Some people are full fledged this way, while others just feel this way about small things in life…but we all do it. I believe what it boils down to is shame…and condemnation.

No one knows all of your sins and bad decisions and thought processes, and shortcomings and hang-ups and strongholds better than yourself. When you get the Enemy reminding you on an almost hourly basis of the things you don’t feel you deserve, it’s easy to be discouraged and feel that you just need to find something in order to “get by.”

I have been listening to Lisa Bevere on PodCast a lot, and something she spoke struck a cord with me tonight. It’s not about the past. It’s not about what you HAVE done or HAVEN’T done. It’s about your birthright…we are children of the most high GOD! God has been speaking to me about true honor and respect as well too. Regardless of how you feel about the president or congress members, or cops or mayors…we are commanded to show honor to them, simply because of their office. It doesn’t matter what they do, they have that position, so we have no alternative but to honor. The only other option is dishonor, and the Lord speaks against dishonoring even your enemies. As God’s children, we should accept nothing less than HONOR for whom we choose to have in our lives for spouses, best friends, boyfriends, etc.

It really is hard to put into words exactly what I’m thinking so I guess I will just sum it up like this…If you feel like you are undeserving of God’s best and fullness, and His destiny for your life because of what you have done in the past, or what you continue to do even now, remember…His mercies are new every morning. And we are not deserving, which is what makes mercy and grace so wonderful.

And, for the record, I did not CHOOSE for my husband to treat me the way he did and for our marriage to end because of it, but i DID choose, and CONTINUE to choose to use it for my betterment…for my destiny. God makes beauty of ashes, and my ashes are slowly and surely being brought back to life, and taking shape and becoming more and more beautiful every day. :)

why having a toddler in the home is just like a frat party…

10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.

9. There’s always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.

8. It’s best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.

7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone’s going to start banging on the door.

6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.

5. You’ve got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.

4. There’s definitely going to be a fight.

3. You’re not sure whether anything you’re doing is right, you just hope it won’t get you arrested.

2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.

1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.

Once Upon Another Dream…

Watching Sleeping Beauty with Isaiah…(yes, I know he is a boy…don’t judge me haha). It’s probably Top 5 favorite movies. I do not know what it is about this movie that makes me want a fairy tale. Every single other fairy tale I watch (chick flick/romantic comedy/etc), it’s like oh yeah…that was cute, but I know it doesn’t really happen like that. But Sleeping Beauty…for some reason my heart is heavy every time I get to the “Once Upon a Dream” scene. I never knew why until today.

If you watch this, you will notice…she has a recurring dream that leaves her longing for her "true love.” So to make her feel better, her little woodland creature friends come to dance with her as her “dream prince.” And then, just like that, when she wasn’t expecting it, her actual dream prince steps in and JOINS the dance. She doesn’t even realize he’s there until he starts singing WITH her. It’s so hard to explain…but too often these days women have to CHANGE their dance in order to JOIN a man’s. I love how he just stepped in to the role that was created for him.

She didn’t have to do anything…

And when she pulled away, he pursued her…and they were able to continue the dance…

I have been through hell and back the past couple years. I am a 24 year old divorcee whose husband treated her like anything BUT a princess. I of all people know that what can start out as a fairy tale ends like a horror movie. I should know better that “fairy tales don’t exist,” but I have this ACHE in my chest. However, I am okay. God is the only one I need. He has proven time and time again to take care of me. I love that. But I have this dream in my heart that God can do it for me…I don’t need a prince or a knight to sweep me off my feet or for furry woodland creatures to dance with me in the woods.

I’d just like someone to surprise me. Show up at the perfect moment and just BE there. When God writes your love story, that can happen right? The dance was sweet he joined her, but when SHE joined HIM in the dance, it was unbelievable. 

I have a dream in my heart. And until God tells me otherwise, that dream will always be there. I’ll keep serving and loving God, and when the time is right, He will send someone to join my dance. :)

Changes…

So many changes. Now that I actually have  a work station, I WILL update more often…Promise…for reals this time :)
So biggest news is that I have a part time job and have had it for the past six or so months! The best part is that I can work from home and so I do not have to put the little man in daycare. :) I work for a doctor who does utilization reviews for Worker’s Compensation companies. Cases get flagged for either being incomplete or not according to guidelines, and are assigned to him and uploaded to a few different websites. I log in to those websites, and make contact with those doctors to have them call MY doctor so they can discuss the case. :) It makes it so nice cause I can play with Isaiah between calls. 

Isaiah and I also moved into our own place January 6 (2011 haha). We live in a little one bedroom house. It’s like a family complex. A family, the father in law, and the uncle all live on the property. There is a big tri-level house, a duplex, and my little place. It’s so cozy and the perfect size for me and Isaiah. One of the BEST parts is my washer and dryer. :)
Isaiah and I also just got an addition to our family. Hercules the cat has joined us. :) He is a 6 year old indoor kitty and Isaiah LOVES him. He can lie on top of the cat and hug him super tight, and the cat just takes it. He is so good with Isaiah. :)
Well, that’s it for now! Much love!
Tara, Isaiah, and Herc :)