deserving…

The past year has been crazy. So much has gone on, and God has been stretching me like CRAZY because of it.

However, one of the craziest notions I have heard (from more than one person, so I’m not singling out any one person) is from those who have said, “Tara, you’re such a good person. I am decent, but nothing like you…I don’t deserve any more than what I have. I’m okay with just being okay, cause that’s all I can get.”

But the craziest part about all of it is that it’s not so crazy…to think that, that is. Whoever you are, no matter what path in life you take, there is always that someone who is your unattainable but so desirable person you wish you could be like. But no matter who you are or who you feel you cannot ever compare to, that feeling is WRONG…so why do we all feel that way?

Some people are full fledged this way, while others just feel this way about small things in life…but we all do it. I believe what it boils down to is shame…and condemnation.

No one knows all of your sins and bad decisions and thought processes, and shortcomings and hang-ups and strongholds better than yourself. When you get the Enemy reminding you on an almost hourly basis of the things you don’t feel you deserve, it’s easy to be discouraged and feel that you just need to find something in order to “get by.”

I have been listening to Lisa Bevere on PodCast a lot, and something she spoke struck a cord with me tonight. It’s not about the past. It’s not about what you HAVE done or HAVEN’T done. It’s about your birthright…we are children of the most high GOD! God has been speaking to me about true honor and respect as well too. Regardless of how you feel about the president or congress members, or cops or mayors…we are commanded to show honor to them, simply because of their office. It doesn’t matter what they do, they have that position, so we have no alternative but to honor. The only other option is dishonor, and the Lord speaks against dishonoring even your enemies. As God’s children, we should accept nothing less than HONOR for whom we choose to have in our lives for spouses, best friends, boyfriends, etc.

It really is hard to put into words exactly what I’m thinking so I guess I will just sum it up like this…If you feel like you are undeserving of God’s best and fullness, and His destiny for your life because of what you have done in the past, or what you continue to do even now, remember…His mercies are new every morning. And we are not deserving, which is what makes mercy and grace so wonderful.

And, for the record, I did not CHOOSE for my husband to treat me the way he did and for our marriage to end because of it, but i DID choose, and CONTINUE to choose to use it for my betterment…for my destiny. God makes beauty of ashes, and my ashes are slowly and surely being brought back to life, and taking shape and becoming more and more beautiful every day. :)

why having a toddler in the home is just like a frat party…

10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.

9. There’s always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.

8. It’s best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.

7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone’s going to start banging on the door.

6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.

5. You’ve got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.

4. There’s definitely going to be a fight.

3. You’re not sure whether anything you’re doing is right, you just hope it won’t get you arrested.

2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.

1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.

Once Upon Another Dream…

Watching Sleeping Beauty with Isaiah…(yes, I know he is a boy…don’t judge me haha). It’s probably Top 5 favorite movies. I do not know what it is about this movie that makes me want a fairy tale. Every single other fairy tale I watch (chick flick/romantic comedy/etc), it’s like oh yeah…that was cute, but I know it doesn’t really happen like that. But Sleeping Beauty…for some reason my heart is heavy every time I get to the “Once Upon a Dream” scene. I never knew why until today.

If you watch this, you will notice…she has a recurring dream that leaves her longing for her "true love.” So to make her feel better, her little woodland creature friends come to dance with her as her “dream prince.” And then, just like that, when she wasn’t expecting it, her actual dream prince steps in and JOINS the dance. She doesn’t even realize he’s there until he starts singing WITH her. It’s so hard to explain…but too often these days women have to CHANGE their dance in order to JOIN a man’s. I love how he just stepped in to the role that was created for him.

She didn’t have to do anything…

And when she pulled away, he pursued her…and they were able to continue the dance…

I have been through hell and back the past couple years. I am a 24 year old divorcee whose husband treated her like anything BUT a princess. I of all people know that what can start out as a fairy tale ends like a horror movie. I should know better that “fairy tales don’t exist,” but I have this ACHE in my chest. However, I am okay. God is the only one I need. He has proven time and time again to take care of me. I love that. But I have this dream in my heart that God can do it for me…I don’t need a prince or a knight to sweep me off my feet or for furry woodland creatures to dance with me in the woods.

I’d just like someone to surprise me. Show up at the perfect moment and just BE there. When God writes your love story, that can happen right? The dance was sweet he joined her, but when SHE joined HIM in the dance, it was unbelievable. 

I have a dream in my heart. And until God tells me otherwise, that dream will always be there. I’ll keep serving and loving God, and when the time is right, He will send someone to join my dance. :)

Changes…

So many changes. Now that I actually have  a work station, I WILL update more often…Promise…for reals this time :)
So biggest news is that I have a part time job and have had it for the past six or so months! The best part is that I can work from home and so I do not have to put the little man in daycare. :) I work for a doctor who does utilization reviews for Worker’s Compensation companies. Cases get flagged for either being incomplete or not according to guidelines, and are assigned to him and uploaded to a few different websites. I log in to those websites, and make contact with those doctors to have them call MY doctor so they can discuss the case. :) It makes it so nice cause I can play with Isaiah between calls. 

Isaiah and I also moved into our own place January 6 (2011 haha). We live in a little one bedroom house. It’s like a family complex. A family, the father in law, and the uncle all live on the property. There is a big tri-level house, a duplex, and my little place. It’s so cozy and the perfect size for me and Isaiah. One of the BEST parts is my washer and dryer. :)
Isaiah and I also just got an addition to our family. Hercules the cat has joined us. :) He is a 6 year old indoor kitty and Isaiah LOVES him. He can lie on top of the cat and hug him super tight, and the cat just takes it. He is so good with Isaiah. :)
Well, that’s it for now! Much love!
Tara, Isaiah, and Herc :)