People by nature want to help and make things better, even if it's just making themselves feel as if they contributed or something to that effect. Comments, suggestions, opinions...whether solicited or not, we all get them. Honestly, you do it too. I do it. We all do it. When we talk to others, whether in the office, at church, at school...even at home...we talk about how WE feel about things, about OUR experiences, what WE would do...
When you're a single mother, you open yourself up to a whole other level of "helpful" information. These things come in myriads. I have been a single momma for exactly six years, eight months and twenty three days. None of it has been "easy," But then again, parenting is hard work even WITH a partner. Finally, after six years, I feel like I am healed enough and ok enough to be able to do another relationship without panicking at the first tremor in the relationship. Relationship PTSD is a real thing, but that's a discussion for a later time. Anyways, dating is scary enough when you've been single for six years...add a kid (or two) to the mix, and that's a setup to take that fear to DEFCON level...whatever. It's a big deal.
Then, when you try to put your head around what that would look like, everyone's opinions that you've ever heard comes swarming back, and you end up freaking out and just turning on Netflix and drowning yourself in a show in order to not have to think about it.
So that's what this post is about. I'd love to help try and spread awareness of what we single moms go through. You may agree. You may disagree. I may be alone in how I feel. But here it goes anyways.
1. None of us are really single moms by choice.
I know that sounds crazy, so before you murder me, hear me out. I have talked to hundreds of single moms...and the consensus is very clear. When we were little girls, thinking about our future children and our future spouses, NONE of us dreamt of the ideal abusive relationship, the cheating husband, the narcissism, the court battles, the emotional disturbances, divorce...you get the idea. There's a difference. For example, I did choose to leave my marriage. There were so many lies and deceptions on top of huge safety and health risks. I had a 6 week old infant son. Who would take care of him if something happened to me? I couldn't take that chance. I left. I've chosen to focus on taking care of HIM for the past six years. My choice resulted in the status of "single mom," but it was more the consequences of the reality I came to find myself in. But you can't go back in time.
2. If you have met a single mom, you know there has been a tremendous amount of pain.
As referenced in #1 above, there are so very few single parents who decided to have a child by basically not involving a significant other. So that goes to say, many of us are here as a single parent because of heartbreak, betrayal, divorce, or even death. Pain motivates so many decisions. Either the pain is still alive and well, or the memories of that pain drive the single parent to make decisions to avoid that pain again and to protect the emotional well being of all the children involved. So keep that in mind.
3. We are terrified that we won't "find someone."'
You have all met one...the nice little lady who says, "Oh, don't worry. You're young...you'll find someone." Finding implies having to look. Looking implies putting in effort. Putting in some effort requires prioritization. Prioritization requires looking at your life and attempting to balance it, all the while spreading your attention to other areas and taking attention off of your child. This may be good and well and healthy to do, but it can often dredge up feelings of guilt and pain for wanting a life outside of your child. This leads us back to binge watching Netflix in order to hide inside ourselves again. So while it may be tempting, please don't make those comments.
4. There's an eternal struggle with how a new significant other can fit in with our child.
So yay! We actually "find someone"! But when is the right time to introduce him/her to the kiddo(s)? Should we wait? Should we just go for it? What if I love him, but my little one doesn't? What if, GOD FORBID, the new guy doesn't like MY kid? The questions and possibilities never stop...
5. We are NOT complicated just because there is a kid involved...we just have an extra level of complexity.
Yes. There are complications. But so many times, we are not complicated people. There is a difference between complicated and complex. We may be in a complicated situation, but that doesn't mean we fill our lives full of drama and stuff. People who live off of drama will create and embody drama whether a child is involved or not.
6. We are terrified to fall for someone who is a better liar than we've dealt with before.
Again, dealing with abusive situations, chances are that these moms have been lied to on SO many levels over any length of time. It puts us on hyper-alert. I can honestly say that I am terrified that for all this time that has gone by, my desire for a relationship will cause me to overlook these "red flags" that may pop up. Because of that fear, I have surrounded myself with a few people I trust to call me out if this ever happens.
7. We know how to love better than most.
You know that quotation "It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all"? Most single parents have loved AND lost. However, we have to deal with love for our child while living with the consequences of losing. There is a dichotomy if I have ever heard one...
8. We don't value the butterflies. We value the support.
Don't get me wrong...the butterflies are wonderful. There is nothing like the feeling that someone is taking time to pursue you, to get to know you...It's wonderful. However, we all know that butterflies don't last. Like any insect, they don't have a huge life span. As I have gone on my journey, I have started to want a relationship. But my reasons are completely different than what I ever expected. I want someone to love my kiddos. I want stability. I want intrigue. I want romance, yes...but I want friendship and companionship more. I want to know that my future partner is in this with me.
9. Don't try to "silver lining" our circumstances.
There are only a few things that are worse than hearing the two dreaded words..."at least." There is a time and place for those words. Right after an emotional conversation is not one of them. "At least" is for problem solving. Telling me that "At least you know he can't be happy" does NOT make me feel better. Telling me "At least you figured it out that he was cheating on you when you only had one kid" again does NOT make me feel better. If anything, that is saying, "Hey, at least he shattered your dreams sooner rather than later. Win win!" I know when we say these two words, it's rarely intended to be snarky or demeaning. Which is why when we hear them, most of the time, we just paste on the smile and nod politely, all the while dying inside, kicking ourselves for feeling just a little bit sad or human and not keeping the "bigger picture" in mind.
10. We are not damaged.
This one should need no explanation. Yes, some of us may need some healing. Some of us may need some time to figure out ourselves. But we are not damaged.
11. Take time to love on my child. You will be the one who is blessed.
As single parents, we are not the only ones who experience loss. Our kiddos do too. Whether the loss was from the beginning and the kid doesn't know any better or the split happened later, loss happens on every side. My kiddos are amazing. They are not pariahs because of what happened between me and my ex. I'm glad to say that very few people have treated my kids this way. However, I've seen it so often that I wanted to say it. These kids who have experienced loss yet can still love so freely and openly can teach all of us a thing or two about resilience...forgiveness...and yes, love. Bless them with your love and attention. They will bless you back with admiration and love.
12. Speaking of loving on my kiddo, you have NO idea how much we love hearing that someone legitimately loves our offspring.
I totally have to brag on my best friends right now. I'm not going to lie. My six year old is freaking awesome. That being said, he's a handful sometimes. He's so much like I am that I can really get frustrated with him super easily. My best friends though literally LOVE him and my adopted one too. Like legitimately. Even now, as I am typing this, my eyes are filling with tears because I KNOW how much they are loved by them, flaws and frustrations and all. Every single time they tell me how much they love my kids, it's like a hug for my heart. It's like an unspoken "Ok. I'm not totally screwing up my kids..." And that right there is sometimes exactly what we need.
13. Do not tear us down by pointing out every time our children display their flaws.
It's incredibly frustrating when someone who has ZERO responsibility for your kid says to you, "Oh, he's having problems with disobedience...He's too old for that." They are kids. I am aware of their flaws. Don't throw rocks in glass houses. We are all doing the best we can.
14. Never underestimate the power of three simple words: "Good job, Momma..."
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